Expectations
Try imagining a runner or a spear-thrower. Both have to use all the prowess resulting from their training and dedication in order to achieve what they’ve been building up to accomplish. Being either can give us its challenges, but there’s nothing that would come in their way that could stop them in their path. They are driven regardless of emotional, physical or even external forces. It’s sheer force of will. It’s sheer volition.
We can use either example to come into terms for our own ambitions and goals. What is it that we do that can make us into such machines? Have we figured it out yet? When something keeps you up at night, is it of awe or terror?
I have discovered that terror was keeping me, personally, up most nights. I thought, at first, that it was awe-inspiring. I thought I had found an amazing opportunity, and if I am being honest with myself, it was. However, as days went by I realized how much of that was just a delusion, a mantle to cover my emotions’ true intentions: to run. To do that not in order to achieve any goals, but to flee. What do we do then?
By finding out that you are doing something to get away instead of getting somewhere you wanted, things change, your perspective shifts. What is so scary to the point of needing to run away? Was it your own feelings? A childhood trauma, perhaps? A person or a group of people? Truth be told, I don’t know about you, but I am still finding that out. Although, one thing is for certain, it’s something I have made up myself, in my head.
It’s a given that we are all very subjective to our own emotions, to our own notion of what is real and what isn’t. Seeking others for advice can be tricky for this very reason, but it also offers you unique bias and vision. Holding that thought, I will share my experience with you and you make out of it what you may. If it’s not too much to ask, give your opinion in the comments below.
I have been working from home since the beginning of the pandemic. I came to a full halt in my commuting around due to the first lockdown, but I was no stranger to remote work. The transition, differently from a lot of my colleagues (especially the English teachers), was done with ease. Couldn’t have gone easier. I welcomed it with open arms, which gave people around me the false impression that I adapt well to change. Well, I can assure you: I do not. The reason I mention it is for the conclusion of my story. It’s for later.
So, after working online for almost two years I am offered with an amazing, out of this world, opportunity. Great job, great location, great office, great people; everything was simply great, especially the salary. Personally, I have never made too much money. Nowadays I do okay, but I have always been closer to the poverty line than anything else. I have never had any delusions about my current state, something that some other people in the middle class sometimes go through.
In any case, everything went according to plan: the interview, the first commuting, the job tasks, the expectations. I think that to anyone else in the world, this job would’ve been a dream coming true, which made me feel ungrateful. I didn’t like my new job. Not even a single day whilst going to the office, I cared about its luxuries, salary and structure. All I could think about is that I wasn’t where I wanted to be and I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. I felt like I was living somebody else’s life, somebody else’s dream.
You are in a tough spot when you have told everybody about something that they’d kill you to get and then, all of a sudden, you show up just after giving that up. Give that up for what you had before. It’s no surprise that people got confused, some even angry. Well, there is little to be done about that, but at least regret is not in your head.
The whole experience: getting offered the job, getting the job, telling people that I got the job, working at the office, quitting, telling people I quit; this whole thing showed me how much we are bound to care a little too much of what others think of our lives. If I look deep into my soul I know that, along with all the horror that I’d witness, there would be no smudge of even a hint of truly wanting to go through all of this experience. Shamefully, it was done for others way more than it was done for me.
Do you think that you have done it before? Maybe there’s something you did which you didn’t want to do, but felt pressured to go there, to do it, to reach that far. Something tells me that this happens way more often than we are led to believe. In fact, it’s possible that, for all of us who live in the midst of society, we are to blame for such behavior. I am recollecting many of my memories, trying to figure out whether or not there was a moment where I’ve made a decision only for my own sake. Maybe every single time I’ve had fries.
To put myself into my own theory here, whatever shame and regret that might have come into my thoughts the last few days were due to letting people down. After all, my boss put faith in me, my friends, and my family. On the other hand, I was sure at all times that I would be fine either way. With a lot more money or just keeping myself in the middle class. Not to mention that, to make matters worse, the job offer is still open. This means that for the next year or so I will be thinking about going back to that reality. Why should I do that, especially when it’s no secret that I don’t want it?
What I mean with all of this is the following: whenever you’re making a decision, make absolutely sure you’re not doing it for anybody else other than yourself. Maybe for your family, as long as doing it for them is something that matters to you deeply. I say this because, come any hardship, any difficulties, you’ll blame yourself and the people you’re sacrificing yourself for in the process. It’s a demoralizing experience. Good grievances.
